Wow I'm exhausted!
I know on the outside, I present as a young and healthy woman and that can be confusing when I talk of pain and fatigue. I don’t have any characteristics that show people I am disabled. In so many ways, I’m lucky for that. I’m aware that having an invisible illness allows me to be taken more seriously, I don’t have the stigma of being obviously disabled, I’m still treated like an intelligent person first.
I have an invisible illness. I have fibromyalgia. I have so much pain day to day that, actually, I can't function ‘normally.’ It’s strange, having to convince people I’m sick. There’s an assumption that young people don’t know pain, can’t understand daily life with pain. This assumption follows me everywhere- doctor’s appointments, meetings, on the bus when I’m in the disabled seats. I have started using a walking stick when out and about, it helps give me support and allows me to walk slightly further than if I didn’t have it. It’s a non-verbal way for me to communicate to the world that I do struggle, that I may need life to be a bit gentler with me sometimes. I find now I share a sympathetic smile with other people who use an aid- I found out I’m stick twins with the shop girl in Card Factory!
I had so much internalised embarrassment when I first started using my stick. I’m too young to give up, to stop trying and give in to the disability. But I’m not giving up, I’m adapting. A condition like fibromyalgia is so different day to day, it only makes sense that some days I’ll need a bit more help; be that in the form of a stick, a cosy pyjama day or just being gentle with myself.
I think if you take anything away from reading my ramblings this month, it’s just that- please be gentle with yourself.
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